Although I thought I was ready, I still couldn't go in. I sat down on one of the chairs that were lined up against the wall. My mind wondered...I don't remember chairs being outside his room, when did they show up? It must have been earlier when a lot of people came to say their good-bye's. My niece Amanda (Peter's side of the family) came and sat down by me. I wondered what was going through her mind; does she know what to say to me? Can she tell I'm screaming on the inside about how unfair life is right now? I look at her with tears in my eyes, I can see how sad she is when we make eye contact. I tell her, "He's no longer here, he's gone." She just nods and agrees, and that's all we say to each other. I don't know if she understood what I meant, I could no longer feel him with me. It's still very strange to me that I felt that so strongly. While sitting in the hallway my sister-in-law Lily came and told me my brother Rick and his wife Anne Marie were on their way up. They had been out of town and had no idea what had just happened.
I got up from my chair, not saying a word and headed towards the elevator. About half way down the long corridor, I ran to the elevators and waited, pacing back and forth. I leaned against the wall and just sank until my backside almost touched the ground. It felt like it took hours for them to walk out of the elevator. They must have seen it on my face because the first thing my brother said to me was, "Oh Susie...I'm sorry." He gave me a big hug, and then Anne Marie did the same. We started to walk towards the room as I filled them in on everything that had happened in the past couple of days.
Until next time-