Since our support group meeting last week I have been thinking a lot about how everything happens for a reason, do you think that way? After Peter died so many people said, "Sue, there is a reason why this happened, you might never know that reason, but rest assured, there is a reason." I didn't know how to respond at the time, I was polite and mostly just shook my head in agreement. What I really wanted to do was scream, "Who cares if there is a reason, it's not good enough for me, there's no good enough reason why my husband had to miss out on raising his children and living life!" I now believe that everything does happen for a reason and we may never have the answers to some of our questions, but eventually it all seems to fall into place. I keep thinking about the time my mom was very ill and in the hospital when Teddy was a newborn, 9 years ago. While in the hospital her doctor put her on a ton of medication and was able to stabilize her so she could go on with her life. At her follow up appointment he told her he hadn't expected her to walk out of the hospital, he thought it was the end for her. She made it through because everything happens for a reason... I needed her when Peter died. I think some people perceive me as cold and having no feelings because they haven't seen me cry over Peter's death. I have cried, a lot, in the comfort of my own home. The pain I feel everyday is real, I lost the love of my life, it's very lonely. I handle myself so well because I saw first hand how a mother with young kids can go on without their loved one. I know from experience that it can be done, so I know we will be okay. There may be times that are tough, but we will get through them, just like my mom did. My mom was meant to be here for me when I lost Peter, and when she saw that I would be okay, it was her time to go. Peter wanted to move to Colorado so bad, I kept telling him, "I don't want to move away from my family right now, I need the support of my family and friends." It drove him nuts, he wanted to be out west so bad, we would often have disagreements about it. I finally told him we could move after my mom passed away, but that I wasn't going anywhere until then. If my mom would have gone first, I'd be out in Colorado with no family or friends. I shudder to think of all I would have had to do after Peter's passing if I had been out there, alone. When I told Peter that, I never thought he would go first. Once again, everything happens for a reason...
Until next time-